
CD£y KJGMT . 1689, BY H AHOLD ROOHBACrt 



H00Vbac|)'S full TrCSCVtJpttbcCatalOflUe of Dramas, Comedies, Comedieitas, Farces, 
Tableaux vivants, Guide-books, Novel Entertainments for Church, School and Parlor 
Exhibitions, etc., containing complete and explicit information, will be sent to any addretf 
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ROORBACH'S AMERICAN EDITION. 



PRICE, 15 CENTS EACH. 

Tliis series embraces the best of plays, suited to the present time. The reprints have 
been rigidly compared with the original acting copies, so that absolute purity of 
text and stage business is warranted. Each play is furnished with an introduction 
of the greatest value to the stage manager, containing the argument or synopsis of 
incidents, complete lists of properties and costumes, diagrams of the stage settings 
and practicable scene-plots, with the fullest stage directions. They are hand- 
somely printed from new electrotype plates, in readable type, on fine paper. 
Their complete introductions, textual accuracy, and mechanical excellence render 
these books far superior in every respect to all editions of acting plays hitherto 
published. 

i. ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD. A comic drama in two acts. Six 
male, three female characters. Time, two hours. 

2. A SCRAP OF PAPER. A comic drama in three acts. Six male, six female 

characters. Time, two hours. 

3. MY LORD IN LIVERY. A farce in one act. Five male, three female charac- 

ters. Time, fifty minutes. 
a. CABMAN No. 93. A farce in one act. Two male, two female characters, 
lime, iorty minutes. 

5. MILKY WHITE. A domestic drama in two acts. Four male, two female char- 

acter*;. Time, one hour and three quarters. 

6. PARTNERS FOR LIFE. A comedy in three acts. Seven male, four female 

characters. Time, two hours. 

7. "WOODCOCK'S LITTLE GAME. A comedy-farce in two acts. Four male, 

four female characters. Time, one hour. 

8. HOW TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. A farce in one act. Four 

male, two female characters. Time, thirty-five minutes. 

9. LADY AUDLEY'S SECRET. A drama in two acts. Four male, three female 

characters. Time, one hour and a quarter. 

10. NOT SO BAD AFTER ALL. A comedy in three acts. Six male, five female 
characters. Time, one hour and forty minutes. 

11. WHICH IS WHICH ? A comedietta in one act. Three male, three female 
characters. Time, fifty minutes. 

12. ICI ON PARLE FRANCAIS. A farce in one act. Three male, four female 
characters. Time, forty-five minutes. 

13. DAISY FARM. A drama in four acts. Ten male,, four female characters. 
Time, two hours and twenty minutes. 

14. MARRIED LIFE. A comedy in three acts. Five male, five female characters. 
Time, two hours. 

15. A PRETTY PIECE OF BUSINESS. A comedietta in one act. Two male, 
three female characters. Time, fifty minutes. 

ij. L2ND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. A farce in one act. Five male, two female 
Time, one hour. 

17. UNCLE TOM'S CABIN.— Original Version. A drama in six acts. Fifteen 
male, seven female characters. Time, three hours. 

18. UNCLE TOM'S CABIN.— New Version. A drama in live acts. Seven 

i'.e, five female characters. Time, two hours and a quarter. 

19. LONDON ASSURANCE. A comedy in five acts. Ten male, three female 
characters. Time, two hours and three quarters. 

SO." ATCHI ! A comedietta in one act. Three male, two female characters. Time, 
forty minutes. 

21. WHO IS WHO ? A farce in one act. Three male, two female characters. 
Time, forty minutes. 

22. THE WOVEN WEB. A drama in four acts. Seven male, three female char- 
acters. Time, two hours and twenty minutes. 

t2£?~A ny of tin- above will be setit by »/a/7, post-f>aid y to a*ty addre%t t on receipt 

of the /•>■' 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 9 Murray St., New York. 



CABMAN NO. 93 

OR 

FOUND IN A FOUR WHEELER 

A FARCE IN ONE ACT 



BY 



THOMAS J. WILLIAMS 



New American Edition, Correctly Reprinted from the Ori- 
ginal Authorized Acting Edition, with the Original 
Cast of the Characters, Synopsis of Incidents, 
Time of Representation, Description of the 
Costumes, Scene and Property Plots, Dia- 
gram of the Stage Setting, Sides of 
Entrance and Exit, Relative Posi- 
tions of the Performers, Expla- 
nation of the Stage Direc- 
tions, ETC., AND ALL OF 
the Stage Business. 

Copyright, 1889, by Harold Roorhach. 




~^JvJ3ll 



NEW YORK 

HAROLD ROORBACH 

PUBLISHER 



\ 



\ 







CABMAN NUMBER 93. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 



Lyceum Theatre, Dec. 
20th, 1867. 



New Royalty Theatre, 
April 24th, 1866. 

Mr. Udolpho Holloway 
(a retired Stockbroker, a 
lover of the ' ' mysterious ' ' 
and "sensational" — ec- 
centric character part) Mr. Fred Hughes. Mr. Henry Thompson 

Joe Capsize (alias "No. 
93" driver of a Four- 
Wheeler — 1st low comedy) Mr. J. Robins. 

Clara (Holloway' 1 s Wife).. Miss Nellie Burton. 

Milly Meddlesome (their 

Servant) Miss Annie Bourke 



Mr. John Nelson. 
Miss Nelly Burton. 



Miss Minnie Sydney. 



Time of Playing — Forty Minutes. 
SYNOPSIS OP INCIDENTS. 

Mr. Udolpho Holloway, who has retired from business, is a victim 
of the green-eyed monster and addicted to romances. In rummaging 
through his wife's purse to see how much change she had left, he dis- 
covers a cabman's ticket and memorandum of six shillings charge for 
three hours' cab-hire. His suspicions being aroused., he resolves to seek 
the cabman and learn what Mrs. H. had been doing during these three 
hours, leaving word with the maid that he probably wont be home till 
morning. In the course of his absence, Joe Capsize, the cabman, enters, 
asks for a little private conversation with Mrs. Holloway, and returns 
to her a handsome red smoking cap that she had left in his cab the day 
before. At this moment Holloway returns, having forgotten his latch- 
key, and, seeing his wife in earnest confabulation with the identical cab- 
man, No. 93, and noting, further, the red smoking cap, conceals him- 
self behind the curtains, in the expectation that some fearful revelation is 



FO UND IN A FO UR- WHEELER. 3 

at hand, and is rendered furious at the sight of his wife rewarding the 
cabman to return the cap to its owner — "a certain gent in a fuzzy coat " 
—who had been in the cab with Mrs. Hollow ay on the preceding day. 
It now occurs to Mr. Hollo way to "hook on behind" as the cab is 
driven to its destination, and so discover the owner of the red cap... He 
carries the idea into execution, but returns almost immediately in an 
extremely damaged condition, having been whipped off into the mud. 
Capsize now returns with a letter for Mrs. Holloway from the myste- 
rious unknown, but is intercepted by Holloway who recognizes him and 
bribes him to disclose Mrs. Holloway's whereabouts oh the previous 
day— a disclosure that throws him into a convulsive frenzy. While he 
has temporarily retired, cabby delivers the letter to Mrs. Holloway who 
reads it aloud, orders the cab to drive her with all possible speed to " the 
ornamental villa, " her destination of the day before, and retires to pre- 
pare for the journey. Holloway, who has overheard all, rushes in 
wildly, orders the- cabman to exchange garments with him, and an- 
nounces his intention, thus disguised, of personating* €apsize and him- 
self driving his wife to the appointed spot, to wreak his vengeance upon 
the usurper, commanding the cabman to remain and make himself com- 
fortable, meanwhile.. Mrs. Holloway now departs leaving Capsize to 
frighten the maid nearly out of her wits, but soon returns, the cab having 
been upset in the street, and Mr. Holloway hurried off to the lock-up 
for furious driving. After some parley, Mrs. Holloway learns what 
her spouse has been about, writes a few lines to him, which the cabman 
is directed to deliver, and starts off for her uncle's. Holloway now 
rushes in, in terrific excitement, exclaiming that having been let out on 
bail, he had driven frantically to the ornamental villa and found there the 
identical red smoking cap and a letter directed to his wife which he 
reads. Capsize then gives him Mrs. Holloway's note in which, after 
announcing that all is over between them and she has left him forever, on 
account of his unjust suspicions, she explains that her Uncle Tompkins, 
having returned from India with a large fortune, had purchased and 
furnished an ornamental villa as an agreeable surprise for him. It now 
dawns upon Holloway that the ' ' certain gent in a fuzzy coat ' ' and 
Uncle Tomkins are one and the same person, and while bewailing his 
own stupidity, he vents his rage and mortification upon the officious cab- 
man. Mrs, Holloway now re-enters, having found the garden gate 
locked; and having been an unseen spectator of her lord's repentance, 
forgives him, confirming his conjecture about Uncle Tomkins. Hollo- 
wly acknowledges the error of his ways, promises to reform and aban- 
don romances, while things wind up with a general reconciliation, and 
certain amatory professions and a bid for patronage on the part of Cab- 
man No. 93. 

COSTUMES. 

Holloway. — Fierce and exaggerated make up. Tremendous beard, 
whiskers, etc., frock coat, buttoned across, drab trousers, etc. 

Capsize. — Extra smart cabby make up. Loose great coat, with several 
capes, red neckerchief, light brown trousers, wide-awake hat, Welling- 
tons, whip, badge, etc. 

Clara. — Fashionable morning toilet. Bonnet, shawl, gloves, etc. 

Milly.— Very smart housemaid's dress. Cap, apron, etc. 



CABMAN NUMBER gj j OR, 
STAGE SETTING. 



Door Soh Screen, ^ W D~' 

M*TableiChair — \ 



2W ^ Arm Chair T^or,^ &>* 



J 



TableliChairs 



Scene. — Fancy chamber set in 2 g. l. i e., door to street. L. 2 e., 
door opening upon garden, r. 1 e., door to Mr. Holloway's room. 
R. 2 E., door opening to the rest of the house. Window (double) C. in 
flat, with large curtains. Chair and small writing table with writing 
materials, R. Table, L., with breakfast laid, and chairs R. and l. of it. 
Arm chair r. c. Large screen, with chair behind it, r. of window. 
Sofa near screen. Sideboard up L., bearing decanters (filled), glasses, etc. 

PROPERTIES. 

Furniture and appointments as per scene-plot. Curtains at window. 
Writing materials on table r R. Breakfast and service on table, L. Bell, 
decanters (filled), glasses, etc., hat and cane on sideboard. Door-bell off 
L. I E. Light-blue smoking jacket, and coffee-pot, etc., on small tray, 
off R. I E. Purse containing money, ticket, watch and letter for Hol- 
low ay. Red smoking cap and sealed letter for cabman. Money in 
purse for Mrs. Holloway, 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

The player is supposed to face the audience. R. means right; L. , left; 
C, center; R. C, right of center; L. C, left of center ; I E., first entrance; 
2 E., second entrance; 1, 2 or 3 g., first, second or third grooves. UP 
STAGE, toward the back; down STAGE, toward the footlights. 
R. R. C. C. L. C. L. 

Note. — The text of this play is correctly reprinted from the original 
authorized acting edition, without change. The introductory matter has 
been carefully prepared by an expert, and is the only part of this book 
protected by copyright. 





CABMAN NUMBER 93; 

OR, 

FOUND IN A FOUR-WHEELER. 



Scene. — An elegantly furnished Apartment on the ground 
floor of Mr. Hollow ay 's suburban residence. 

Enter Mr. Udolpho Holloway from bedroo?n, R— fierce and 
exaggerated make up — hair rather long — mysterious manner. 
— N. B. — He speaks throughout in melodramatic and ex- 
aggerated tones. 

Holloway. {glancing at breakfast table) Aha ! breakfast, I 
see. Breakfast, indeed ! {with a derisive laugh) ha ! ha ! I 
don't want any breakfast : figuratively speaking- I've had my 
breakfast, {mysteriously) Profiting by the continuance of my 
wife's slumbers, I thought I would just open her portmonnaie 
and pocket book to see how much small change she had got left 
out of the ten pound note I gave her yesterday, {impressively) 
What should I see among yesterday's expenses but the following 
startling entry : — " Three hours' cab, at two shillings per hour,' 
six shillings." Now, what could my wife want with three hours' 
cab ? When I left home yesterday morning, she never told me 
she was going out. Hum ! Suspicious ! very suspicious ! ex- 
tremely suspicious ! My olfactory nerves begin to be sensible of the 
presence of a rat. For some reason or other my wife had taken 
the driver's number, {producing cabman's ticket) Here it is — 
93. There's something up ; I'm sure of it. {doubtfully) Shall I 
question my wife ? No ; women are so deceitful — besides, they 
never do it in the novels. I have it ! I'll instantly seek out 93, 
and inquire what Mrs. Clara Holloway was doing for three 
entire hours in a four-wheeler. I am naturally impetuous ! 



6 CABMAN NUMBER 93; OR, 

impassionate ! impulsive ! and I can stand this uncertainty no 
longer. Aha ! Mrs. Clara Holoway, you little think I'm aware 
of your clandestine pilgrimage in a mysterious vehicle, (rings 
bell) This little piece of pasteboard (looking at ticket) maybe the 
clue to some harrowing discovery ! 

Enter MlLLY MEDDLESOME, L. 1 E. 

Milly. Did you ring, sir ? 

Hollow. Tell your mistress when she wakes, I'm gone out for 
the day. 

Milly. But please, sir, you ain't had never no breakfast. 

Hollow. I know I haven't, (irritably) I'm not obliged to have 
breakfast unless I please, am I ? 

Milly. In course not, sir. (slily) I knows where you're 
agoing, sir. 

Hollow, (starting) Eh ! what ? 

Milly. You're agoing to look for lodgings up in town, to please 
missus and me. 

Hollow, (surprised) That's your private opinion, is it ? 

Milly. (continuing lackadaisically) Missus and I, we're 
reg'lar tired o' living in these here lonesome premises. It's that 
dull and dissoloot it's enough to make one do somethink desprit, 
just for a little wariety, (conceitedly) Missus and I we wants a 
semi-detached willa with a cheerful haspect. 

Hollow. You do, do you. (aside, angrily) I'll cheerfully take 
the very earliest opportunity of detaching j/6»& altogether, (taking 
hat and stick from sideboard— going) Tell your mistress I 
shan't be home to dinner, and in all probability won't be home 
till morning ! 

Milly. (repeating mechanically) " Won't go home till morn- 
ing." All right, sir. I'll open the street door for you. 

Hollow, (abruptly) No, you won't. I'm going out through 
the back-garden gate ! {ring heard in Clara's room, L.) 

Milly. Ah ! there's missus a-ringing. 

Hollow, (aside, hurriedly) Aha ! my wife. Then, by Jove, I 
haven't a moment to spare. Now, then, for number 93 ! (looking 
at door with a hollow laugh) Ha ! ha ! Mrs. Clara Holloway ! 
you'll find that Udolpho ditto can see farther through a brick 
wall than you imagine, (laughs wildly) Ha ! ha ! Exit L. 2 E. 

Milly. (looking after Holloway) Master's very mysterious 
again this morning. Since he gave up stock-broking he has 
done nothing but shut hisself up and read sensation novels, as 
he calls them, till at last he seems to think hisself a hinteresting 
houtlaw, or a hintriguing conspirator at the very least ! If /was 
missus I'd take the nonsense out of him ! 
Enter Clara, r. 2 e. 

Clara, (looking round) I thought I heard my husband's voice. 



FOUND IN A FOUR-WHEELER. 7 

Milly. He's just gone out for the day, mum. 

Clara, {surprised) Gone out for the day ! 

Milly. And ain't touched a hindiwidual mossel o' breakfast. 
Please, mum, he told me to say as how he wasn't coming home 
till morning. 

Clara, (vexed) Pretty behavior, indeed ! For the last three 
days he has been so absorbed with his wretched romances that 
he has scarcely uttered a single word, and now I'm to be left 
alone for the entire day. {animatedly) But there's some mystery 
in all this ! My husband has no business to attend to. He must 
have private reasons for absenting himself in this mysterious 
manner, {^walking angrily to and fro) But I'll not endure it any 
longer ! 

Milly. (walking to and fro in imitation of her mistress) No 
more won't I, mum. 

Clara, (ditto) I'll have a separation ! 

Milly. (ditto) So will I, mum ! (ring at street-door heard, L.) 
Lawks ! there's the street door bell ! {running to window and 
looking out) Oh, mum, it's a four-wheel cab, I'll run and open 
the door. Exit, L. 1 E. 

Clara, (surprised) A cab ! Who can this be, I wonder ; it's 
rather early for a visit ! 

Re-enter Milly, l. 1 e. 

Milly. (disappointed) Please, mum, it's only a cabman as 
wants to speak to you very partikler. 

Clara, (surprised) A cabman ! well, tell him to come in. 

Milly. (approaching door disdainfully) Come in ! wipe your 
feet on the mat ! (aside) What can he have to say to missus ! 

Enter Capsize, L. i e. ; he is got up in extra smart cabby style 
— coat with several capes, badge, Wellington boots outside 
trowsers, wideawake hat — in his hand he carries a whip — 
speaks thoughout in the very extremity of " cockneyism." 

Cap. (as he enters, speaking off) Wo, ho! Bobby, keep still 
Bobby ! I've got my heye on yer, Bobby. 

Milly. (surprised) Bobby ! who's Bobby ? 

Cap. Bobby's the name o' my 'oss, young woman ; p'raps 
you'd hardly think it to look at him, but that 'oss vunce vun a 
cup — but ve can't always be young and good lookin'. I hopes 
to be old myself some o' these days ! (perceiving CLARA, and 
7naking a grotesque bow) Mornin', m'am, I wants a little private 
conversation with you, you know, m'am, (pointing significantly 
to Milly) Ain't the young woman got no dishes to wash up ? 

Clara, (aside — surprised) What can he have to say ? (aloud) 
Milly, you needn't wait ! 

Milly. {aside — offended) Dishes to wash up, indeed ! to be 



8 CABMAN NUMBER gjj OR, 

ordered out o' the room for a trumpery cabman — it's higno- 
minious, that it is ! Exit, with a flounce, R. 2 E. 

Cap. (approaching Clara mysteriously) Well, you see, mum, 
it's just this here ! {producing fr 0711 his pocket a very handsome 
red smoking cap, with gold tassel, Qr^c.) You twigs this fancy 
harticle ? 

Clara, {surprised — aside) The smoking cap I've been so long 
working in secret for him j he must have left it in the cab 
yesterday ! 

Re-enter suddenly, L. 2 E. — Holloway. 

Hollow, (aside) I forgot my latch-key. Holloa ! a cabman 
in earnest confabulation with my wife- there's something up ! 
(hastily conceals himself behind window curtains, ever and 
anon popping out his head with exaggerated gestures^) 

Cap. (to Clara — continuing) You vos right to send away that 
'ere maid servant ; them young gals is so plaguy chirpy, vy, 
magpies is a fool to 'em ! (significantly) And ven you don't want 
matters talked about, you know 

Clara, (aside) What does the man mean ? 

Cap. (coittinuing) But it's all right. You needn't be afeerd o' 
Joe Capsize, four-wheeler, number 93. 

Hollow, (looking out from behind curtains — aside) Number 
93 ! The very man ! 

Cap. (continuing significantly) Mum's my maxim, and a drop 
o' the right sort's my sentiments. 

Clara, (fiuzsled) My good man, I really do not understand 
you. 

Cap. (bantering) Come, that's rayther too good. Why, surely 
you ain't forgot the three hour's drive you had in my vehicle 
yesterday, (knowingly) Vot if I alludes to a certain gent in a 
fuzzy great coat — all pig's hair and frog's wool ! 

Hollow, (starting — aside) Pig's hair and frog's wool ! This 
is very horrible ! 

Clara, (rather impatiently) Well, my good man, what of it ? 

Cap. Well, you see, mum, just this here — ven I gets back to 
stables yesterday, vot should I find in my four-wheeler but this 
here wallyble smoking cap ! (holding up cap) 

Hollow, (aside, watching) A smoking cap ! (tragically) 
Some fearful revelation is at hand ! 

Cap. (continuing) I ought to ha' taken it to the 'ackney coach 
office, I know ; but, says 1 to myself, if I declares the harticle, it 
might get hadwertised or summut, and the 'usband w T ould learn 
all about it, which, I knows, you don't want, 'cos I heerdyousay 
so to the gen'leman. 

Hollow\ (aside — peeping from behind curtains) My very 
whiskers are bristling with indignation ! 



FOUND IN A FOUR-WHEELER. 9 

Cap. {continuing) Well, you know, I'm all for the ladies — I 
am. I aint the sort o' chap to get one o' the fair sex into trouble, 
'specially when she's taken my number and promised to be a 
customer. 

Clara, (aside) It really is very thoughtful of the poor fellow. 

Cap. (continuing) So, says I to myself, I'll take the harticle 
back to the good lady ; she'll be sure to stand summut. So here 
you has it, mum. {presenting cap to Clara) I'm only a cabby, 
but I knows how to do the right thing in a decentish sort of a 
way. 

Hollow, (looking front behind curtains — aside, shakijig his 
fist) I'll do the right thing in a decentish sort of a way pres- 
ently ! 

Clara, {who has meanwhile taken cap — producing purse) 
Here my good fellow, here's half a sovereign for you. 

Hollow, (aside, furious) Half a sovereign ! my money too ! 

Clara. But stay, (aside) Innocent as it is, I cannot retain such 
a suspicious looking appendage here, (aloud to Capsize) You 
had better take it at once to the gentleman himself. 

Cap. Him in the fuzzy coat ! (pleased) All right, marm, I re- 
members the address, (aside) He'll stand summut too, I dessay. 
This is better nor sixpence a mile this is ! (aloud, taking cap 
from Clara) Here's wishin' you a werry good mornin', m'am. 
(aside, going) I'll have a nip o' summut inwigoratin' round the 
corner, just to congrattylate myself, (at door going, speaking off) 
Come along, Bobby, my boy, we've started in the right direction 
this mornin', come along. 

Exit, L, 1 e. — Clara walks to window and looks out. 

Hollow, (slipping frorn behind curtains unseen by Clara — 
aside, melodramatically) Aha ! a bright idea ! I'll dexterously 
get up behind the four-wheeler, and so accompany 93 to his des- 
tination, {wildly) Magnificent ! sublime ! sensational ! ha ! ha ! 
I'll get up behind ! Exit stealthily o?i tip-toe, L. 1 E. 

Clara, (coming down fro?n window) How very lucky my 
husband was out when that cabman called, though if the visit 
had aroused his suspicions it would only have served him right, 
for leaving me all alone in this dreary seclusion ; (significantly) 
however, there's something going on which may lead to his re- 
moving sooner than he thinks for. 

Enter Milly/Vw/z r. 2 e. 

Milly. (aside) Oh ! what a splendid invention was key- 
holes ! I've heer'd every word as passed between missus and 
that there cabby ! Well, I never ! who'd a thought o' missus, as 
always seemed so precise and partikler, agoing about with 
strange gents in four wheelers unbeknown to her lawful hus- 



io CABMAN NUMBER 93; OR, 

band ! I declare there ain't no trusting nobody now-a-days ! 
{violent ring at street door bell is heard, L. — aside, angrily) 
There goes that dratted bell again, (runs off- — another ring) 
Clara, {rising, surprised) Now, who can this be, I wonder ? 

Re-enter Milly, running, L. 1 E. 

Milly. (in terrific excitement) Oh, mum ! oh, mum ! here's 
master come home in such a horful state ! He must have had a 
downer in the mud, or tumbled into a pond, or summut ! 

Re-enter HOLLOW AY in an extremely damaged condition j his 
hat is bulged in, his neckerchief untied, his clothes are covered 
with mud, trousers tucked up, &*c. 

Clara, (astounded — half screaming) A — a — a — h ! My hus- 
band returned in this disgraceful plight ! 

Hollow, (irritably) Plight, madam ! what do you mean by 
plight ? I suppose, if I like to come home a little splashed, I 
may suit my own inclinations ! 

Clara, (surprised) Splashed, indeed ! why, you're smothered 
in mud ! Milly, fetch your master's blue velvet jacket — quick ! 

Milly. Velvet jacket ! all right, mum ! (going) He looks for 
all the vorld as if he had been for a airin' in a scavenger's cart ! 

Exit into Holloway' s room. R. 1 E. 

Clara (to Holloway in surprise) Mr. Holloway — however 
came you in this disgraceful condition ? 

Hollow, (confused — stammering) I — I — I — was caught in an 
awful storm — a — a — a — there's a terrific storm just round the 
corner ! 

Clara. You should have taken a cab ! 

Hollow. I — I — did take a cab ! (grinding his teeth — aside) 
But it let me go again ! 

Re-enter Milly, R. 1 E., with light blue velvet jacket. 

Milly. Here you are, sir ! 

Hollow, (snatching dressing-gown from Milly — aside) 
She's in the plot likewise, I suppose, (takes off bespattered coat) 
Deceitful hussy ! 

Milly. (taking coat from him) Oh, ain't he in a temper this 
morning. Exit, R. 1 E. 

Clara, (to Holloway, impatiently) But after all, where have 
you been, my love ? 

Hollow. Been ! (evasively) A — a — I've been looking for 
lodgings — a — a — the one I found didn't exactly suit ! (aside) It 
was in the middle of the road, on a heap of flint stones, (trag- 
ically) And yet there are people who deny that truth is stranger 
than fiction ! 



FO UND IN A FO UR- WHEELER. 1 1 

Clara, {significantly) Now, my dear Udolpho, don't you 
trouble yourself to look for lodgings any more. 

Hollow. And why not, madam ? I suppose I may look for 
lodgings if I choose ! (irritably) I'm old enough, ain't I ? 

Clara, (significantly) We'll resume the subject some other 
time, but come now, don't stand shivering there, slip on your 
jacket ! Why, dear me, (suddenly remembering) You haven't 
had any breakfast yet. I'll run and tell Milly to bring you up 
something hot. Exit, R. 

Hollow, [bitterly) Something hot! I've had it pretty hot al- 
ready this morning ! (alone — slipping on jacket, a?id wrapping 
it furiously round him) I jumped up behind the four-wheeler, 
safe enough, but no sooner was I there than a pack of urchins 
set up shouting, " whip behind ! " by George ! (rubbing his 
fingers) the fellow did whip behind ! I was obliged to leave go 
— down I went into a large puddle, and away went the four- 
wheeler without me, but — (tragically) — the plot is thickening ! I 
can't stand this uncertainty any longer, if I don't discover the 
clue to this fearful mystery in five minutes, I shall burst, pop, 
explode ! ! ! (throws himself violently upon sofa, and kicks 
about in a positive frenzy) 

At this moment Capsize appears at door, L. 1 e., with a letter 

in his hand. 

Cap. {surprised — looking at Holloway) Holloa ! vy, there's 
a genl'man in fits on the sofy ! Beg pardon, your honor 

Hollow, (springing off sofa with a violent start and rushing 
towards Capsize, who retreats in alarm) As I live, there he is 
again ! (wildly) Ha ! ha ! Fate a second time throws him 
within my grasp ! 

Cap. {alarmed) I makes bold to ax vereabouts is the good 
lady ! 

Hollow. Never mind the good lady ! {in a hoarse whisper) 
Hush ! you're number 93 ! 

Cap. Joe Capsize, halias number 93 — number 93, halias Joe 
Capsize — it's all vun ! (facetiously) Some calls me my name, 
others calls me my number. 

Hollow, (in a h&llow voice — seizing Capsize by arm) Was it 
you who just now whipped me down behind? 

Cap. (alarmed— retreating) Why, you don't mean to say it 
was your honor ? 

Hollow, (with increased ferocity, following up Capsize) 
Say ! was it you who whipped ?ne down behind ? 

Cap. {alarmed— stammering) Well, I— I'm rayther afeard it vos. 

Hollow, (giving money) Then take this half-sovereign ! 

Cap. (utterly astounded — aside) Ten bob for vhipping a chap 
down behind ! Vy, vot would he guv if I'd run over him ? 



12 CABMAN NUMBER gjy OR, 

Hollow, (with bombastic mystery) Hush ! my wife engaged 
you yesterday by the hour ? 

Cap. (in increasing alar?n) Your vife ! Vy, you don't mean 
to say you're old vo t's his name ? 

Hollow, (with increasing mystery) Yes, I am old what's his 
name ! (pathetically) Speak ! Tell me, gentle cabman, where 
thou took'st her ! 

Cap. (aside — bewildered) " Vere-I-took'st her ! " Vy, he's 
a-speaking furrin' langvidges ! 

Hollow, (continuing, with melodramatic exaggeration) Say, 
where didst lead my faithless spouse ? Speak, cabman ; I'll pay 
thee for every word thou utterest, wert thou to talk the live long 
day ! 

Cap. (hastily, putting down whip) Then you'd better take 
me by the hour. ( aside) Well, this is a stroke o' luck. I've got 
hold o' the husband now. Von't I make him stump up afore I've 
done with him ! (turning to Holloway mysteriously) Veil, yer 
honor, I don't wish to dishearten you, but things looks werry 
queer 

Hollow, (starting) You don't mean that ! 

Cap. It's lucky for you I was mixed up in this here matter. 
I'm all for the husbands — I am. Mum's the word's my maxim, 
and a drop o' the right sort's my sentiments, (holding out his 
hand significantly) 

Hollow, (impatiently) Go on, go on ! 

Cap. Afore I begins, I shouldn't mind summut by way of de- 
posit like. The rest I leaves to your honor's generosity. 

Hollow. Aha ! I see. (giving money) There's five shillings for 
you. Say on ! 

Cap. (pocketing money) Fust of all I drives the lady all round 
Kensington Gardings. 

Hollow, (eagerly) Alone, of course ? 

Cap. Alone ! Not a bit of it. (significantly) Some ladies is too 
nervous to ride in four-wheelers all o' theirselves. (in a hoarse 
whisper) There vos two on 'em ! 

Hollow, (starting) Two on 'em ! Speak ! Say — Who was 
inside ? 

Cap. (knowingly) This here's werry partikler. (holding out his 
hanol and playfully twiddling his fingers) The veels vants 
greasin'. 

Hollow. Aha ! I perceive (aside) Mercenary brute ! (aloud) 
There's another five shillings, (giving money — eagerly) Say, 
who was inside ? 

Cap. (after looking mysteriously round) Pig's hair and frog's 
wool was inside ? 

Hollow, (starting violently) Pig's hair and frog's wool, — the 



FOUND IN A FOUR-WHEELER. 13 

devil he was ! there's something- diabolical in the very combina- 
tion ! (vehemently) Speak ! proceed ! say on ! continue ! 

Cap. (continuing) Veil, your honor, arter drivin' round the 
gardings ve next proceeds to Saint John's Vood, and then ve 
pulls up at a hornimental willa, with a peaky pointed roof, in vot 
they calls the Sviss style o' harchitectur. 

Hollow, (impatiently) Never mind the style of architecture — 
go on ! 

Cap. Well, they enters the willa, and there they stops a 
precious long time. 

Hollow, {capering with indignation) The devil they did ! I 
can't stand this any longer ! Manslaughter is at variance with 
existing regulations, but (seizing Capsize with both hands by 
the collar and shaking hitn violently — with terrible emphasis) 
I'll take the very first opportunity of utterly demolishing — of 
totally exterminating pig's hair and frog's wool ! {wildly) I will, 
ha ! ha ! {rushes toward sofa, R., and throws himself upon it) 

Cap. [struggling violently) Well, I say don't throttle me. 
(breaking fro?n him — with blood-thirsty ferocity, aside) Well 
he is a hexcitable customer, {aloud) Vy, you don't mean to say 
you're making all this fuss just because the gray mare has taken 
the bit between her teeth and gone down a wrong turnin' ? 

Hollow, {starting up fiercely) But I don't choose the gray 
mare should go down a wrong turning ! 

Cap. Veil, you knows it's o' no use hollarin' at me ; it ain't my 
fault ! Here's a letter as pig's hair and frog's wool gave me for 
the good lady. 

Hollow, {convulsively) A letter for my good lady ! {rushes 
at Capsize and endeavors to wrest letter from him) 

Cap. {coolly wit holding letter) No, no ; stop a bit. Fair's 
fair, you know. You wouldn't deprive a numble cabman of his 
parkeysites. I hundertook to deliver this here letter to the 
missus ; (argumentatively) veil, the missus vill stand summut, 
in course, and as soon as I've pocketed the dibs, vy you can take 
the letter away agin ! And now that Joseph Capsize has told 
your honor heverythink, (slily, holding out his hand) perhaps 
your honor von't mind springing another trifle for the wallyable 
information. 

Hollow, {aside, alarmed) This fellow will strip me to my 
cork soles ; (bitterly) but I must humor him : I may require his 
assistance, {giving money) There's another crown ! (solemnly) 
Joseph Capsize, you'll stand by me ? 

Cap. (joyfully pocketing money) Stand by yer ! ! {resolutely) 
I von't never leave yer ! ! ! 

Hollow, (melodramatically) 'Tiswell! (looking off) Hush, 
the traitress comes ! We must not be seen together. Com- 
rade ! we understand each other ! 



i 4 CABMAN NUMBER pjy OB, 

Cap. {endeavoring to i?nitate Holloway's manner) We 
dees ! 

Hollow, {pantomiming sword-thrusts \ &°c\) Something des- 
perate must be done ! (passing hand across his throat — with a 
fiendish laugh) Ha ! ha ! 

Cap. {very much surprised, but grotesquely imitating HOL- 
LOWAY's gestures) It must. Ho ! ho ! 

Hollow, {mysteriously) Hush ! not a word. We are agreed. 
Ha ! ha ! 

Exit, R. 2 E., making ?nysterious s'gnals to CAPSIZE. 

Cap. (alone — puzzled) Veil, he is a heccentric customer. 
Vot's he always a-ha-ha-ing and a-ho-ho-ing for ? 

Enter Clara, followed by Milly, carrying coffee-pot, d^c^on 

small tray, r. 1 E. 

Clara, (imagining she's addressing her husband) Now, love, 
here's some hot coffee for you. 

Cap. (surprised) You're really werry kind, ma'am, 

Clara, (looking up and perceiving Capsize) This fellow here 
still ! 

Milly. (aside) It's like his himpudence — that it is ! 

Cap. I've got summut for you, mum. {flourishing letter mys- 
teriously to arid fro — in a hoarse whisper) A billy doo, from you 
know who ! 

Clara, (surprised) A " billy doo ! " (suddenly remembering) 
Oh, yes. Give it me. 

Cap. (extending his hand and playfully twiddling his finger s) 
But you see, mum, the postage ain't paid yet. 

Clara, (understanding) Oh, I see. There's half-a-crown. 
(giving money and taking letter) 

Cap. (aside) Half-a-crown ! {pocketing money) She don't fork 
out like the guv'nor. But ladies is naturally savin'. 

Milly. (L. of table, watching her mistress reading) Well ! I 
never ! If missus ain't a-receiving three cornered letters on the 
sly, unbeknown to master. Here's pretty goings on ! 

Clara, {reading) " All is now quite ready. Come over at 
once. It is better that your husband should still remain in the 
dark." (aloud) Yes, I had better go. Another visit and all will 
be arranged, (to Capsize hastily) Drive me with all possible 
speed to St. John's Wood. 

Cap. (surprised) The hornimental willa ? 

Clara, (hastily) Wait for me below. I will dress and rejoin 
you immediately. Come, Milly. 

Milly. (following her mistress) It's a-getting mysteruser and 
mysterusef. Exeunt Clara and Milly, r. 1. e. 

Cap. (joyfully) The hornimental willa again t Another fare. 



FOUND IN A FOUR-WHEELER. 15 

Bobby, my boy, things is a-looking up this mornin', and no 

mistake ! 

Enter HOLLOWAY, rushing in tragically, R. 2. E. 

Hollow, {eagerly) I've heard all ! She's off again. Quick, 
take that coat off and give it me ! 

Cap. {intensely surprised) Yer vants my coat ? 
Hollow, (wildly) Coat, badge, hat, whip, cab, horse — every- 
thing ! 

Cap. (astounded) What ! Bobby and all. 

Hollow. Yes, Bobby and all. Here's a sovereign ! (gives 
money) 

Cap. (starting with delight) A sovereign ! Forty mile o' cab 
fare earned in a twinklin' ! (hastily pulling off coat) But what 
am /to put on ? 

Hollow, [pulling off morning gown) Here, put on this, [has- 
tily puts on Capsize's coat, in which he presents a most ludi- 
crous appearance j Capsize meanwhile pops on blue velvet 
jacket) Now, then, your hat and whip ! (puts on hat and snatches 
whip) My wife has evidently got another appointment — a secret 
assignation ! (with increasing sarcasm) Ha ! ha ! This is very 
sensational ! I've lately waded through three entire circulating 
libraries, but I've found nothing to come up to this, (with tre- 
mendous inte?isity) I, Udolpho Manfred Holloway, disguised as 
a plebeian cabman, will drive my wife to the appointed spot, 
and then — Ha ! ha ! (in the height of his agitation begins slash- 
ing Capsize furiously with whip) 

Cap. (capering about in blue velvet jacket — roaring) Halloa! 
What are you about ? /aint pig's hair and frog's wool. 

Hollow, (abruptly) Beg pardon ! I was carried away by the 
warmth of an over-vivid imagination. 

Cap. (rubbing his arms — aside) By Jingo, I don't feel alto- 
gether comfortable with this here governor— he's such a rumbus- 
tical sort of a chap. 

Hollow, (fiercely) Meanwhile do you stay here, Joseph— 
don't budge till my return, Joseph— I leave you the run of the 
pantry, Joseph— eat, drink, stuff, cram, Joseph ! (roaring) Do 
you hear, Joseph ? 

Cap. (astounded) Well, I am 

Hollow, (continuing vehemently) You've rendered me a ser- 
vice, Joseph ! I approve of you, Joseph ! I adopt you, Joseph ! 
(with a burst of feeling) Come to my arms, Joseph ! 

Cap. (aside, struggling in Holloway' s arms, utterly overcome 
by the honor conferred upon him) Hob and nob with a reg'lar 
gen'lman ! here's a leg up ! 

Hollow, (putting on Capsize's wide awake, which is much 
too big for him, and comes right over his eyes) and now for the 



16 CABMAN NUMBER gjy OB, 

scene of action. Ha ! ha ! my vengeance shall be startling, 
ferocious, implacable ! ( slashes Capsize with whip as before) 

Cap. {dodging about alarmed) Vy, he's at it agin, {roaring) 
Halloa ! I say, stow it, vilyer ! 

Hollow, {abruptly) Beg pardon, my over vivid imagination 

again mistook {looking off) Aha ! the traitress comes ! 

Quick ! conceal yourself ; and now {with wild intensity) for the 
ornamental villa — ha ! ha ! Exit, wildly, L. i. E. 

Cap. {alone, rubbing his arm) I hope his over wivid imagi- 
nation won't mistake any more. I don't relish the" flavor o' my 
own vhipcord at all. {running to window and calling after him) 
I say, don't you go lathering Bobby, you know ; he vunce vun a 
cup ! Halloa, here comes the missus — I'll just step behind that 
there screen. 

Enter Clara, r. i. e., bonnet, shawl, Q^c, followed by Milly. 

Clara. Mind now, not a word to my husband. If he asks 
where I am gone tell him you haven't the slightest idea. 

Milly. All right, mum ; nobody never gets nothink out o' me. 
(running to window) Cabby's on his box. He's a stampin' his 
feet and a crackin' his whip, with all his might ! 

Clara. I hasten down at once. 

Milly. I'll come and see you safe in, mum. {aside) I'd give a 
week's wages to know where she's off to ! 

Exeunt Clara and Milly, l. i.e. 

Cap. {coming from behind screen) They're off. Well, this is 
a rum start ! Here am I in a genl'man's house, togged out in 
the gen'lman's own clothes with a hunlimited run o' the gen'l- 
man's cupboard — and there goes the gen'lman hisself on my 
box seat, a handlin' o' my reins and a flourishing o' my whip ! 
{approaching table) Howsomever, the mornin* air has guv me 
a wigorous happetite, the next thing is to see arter a little pro- 
vender ! {sitting down R. of table and pouring out coffee) I'll 
try a cup o' coffee and a ham sandvitch. {drinks) Prime beve- 
rage this — wery superior to the mokey I gets at the early break- 
fast stall at vun penny per pint, {eats and drinks voraciously) 

Re-enter Milly, l. i e. 

Milly. {not seeing Capsize) Well, I can't make out what 

m'issus is up to {suddenly catching sight of Capsize and 

turning on a shrill scream) A — a — a — h ! 

Cap. {with his mouth full) Now then, young woman, what's 
the matter with you? Ain't you never seed a genl'man at break- 
fast afore ? 

Milly. {in increasing amazement) Well, I declare if it ain't 
conjurin' "! He's just gone off on his own box, and I finds him 
here a devourin' our purvisions, and in master's jacket too. 



FO UND IN A FO UR- WHEELER. 1 7 

(comrinced) He's what they calls a wision — I knows he is ! 
(screaming) A — a — a — h ! 

Cap, {getting up) Hold your noise will you. I ain't a wision 
(eatittg voraciously) I'm a gobbliri. 

Milly. (more and ?nore alarmed) He says he's a gobblin ! 
(screams) A — a — a — h ! 

Cap. Leave off screeching, will yer ; it's all right. I'm a friend 
of the governor's. 

Milly. (surprised) You a friend of the governor's ! 

Cap. Yes. I'm his Joseph — he's adopted me ! He's left me 
in possession like. I'm to have everythink I rekvires, and a 
pinch or two over. 

Milly. (astounded) Well, I never ! (struck by a sudden idea, 
in a tone ofprofound conviction) Why, then, it's master that's 
a driving ! 

Cap. You've just hit it, young woman, it is master ! The 
missus seems doing it up rayther brown, doesn't she ? (suddenly 
catching sight of decanters on sideboard) I say, what have you 
got in them cut glass bottles, yonder ? (throws himself back in 
chair) Just hand 'em here will you ? 

Milly. (contemptuously) Shan't ! 

Cap. (rising) Shan't ! 

Milly. I ain't agoing to vait on a hupstart cabman ! 

Cap. {impressively) The guv'nor said as how you vas to obey 
my orders in the minootest partikler. (raising his voice) And I 
horders yer to fetch them cut glass bottles ! (roaring) Do you 
hear ? 

Milly. (alarmed) Well, I'm a fetching on 'em, ain't I ? 
(fetches decanters and glasses from sideboard, and places them 
on breakfast table) Well, things is come to a pretty pass ! 

Cap. (satisfied) Ah, that's more like it ! (aside) She's a nice 
looking young party now I comes to look at her ! (aloud) 
Young woman ! (filling himself a glass of sherry) Joe Cap- 
size looks towards you, and at the same time sends you his 
respectful compliments ! 

Milly. {contemptuously') Then Joe Capsize may keep his 
compliments to himself, for they ain't worth taking in ! (sits 
down, L. of table) 

Cap. (aside — a Imiringly) Oh, ain't she down upon yer nay- 
ther ! Nov/ I cone to look at her she is a werry good lookin' 
young party ! (aiiud, passing decanter) I say, young woman, 
let's be sociable ; help yourself, and pass the bottle ! 

Milly. (pours out glass of sherry — aside, pleased) There's 
something unden able pleasin* in his manners 

Cap. Ah, that's more like it ! I say, young woman, this must 
be a tidy sort of a place, (insinuatingly) Got anything in the 
savings bank, eh ? 



1 8 CABMAN NUMBER gj; OR, 

Milly. {complacently) Well, Mr. Cabman, p'raps I are got a 
little summat. 

Cap. {aside) Good looking, and summat in the savings bank 
— the wery creetur o' my dreams ! I'm tired o' drivin' up and 
down the vurld in single blessedness, and a vun 'oss wehicle. I'll 
just pitch it strong in this here kee-varter ! {aloud) I say, young 
woman, at what o'clock do you step out o' hevenin's to letch the 
family beer ! 

Milly. (coquettishly) That ain't no business o* yourn, Mr. 
Himperence. 

Cap. I axes the question with a view to paying yer my respectful 
addresses ! {edges his chair near to Milly) 

Milly. {aside) There certainly is somethink very faskinating 
about him. 

Cap. (drawifig his chair close to Milly, insi?iuatingly) I say 
now couldn't you accommodate us with a kiss ! (puts arm round 
her waist, and kisses her) 

Milly. (screaming) Ah — adone ! {aside, pleased) Oh, ain't he 
owdacious ! {violent ring heard at bell, L. — starting up) Good- 
ness gracious, that's missus's bell — drat it, she might ha' stopped 
out a little longer. Runs off, L. I E. 

Cap. (rising) Vot a precious bore just as things was agoing 
so comfortable. Holloa ! (looking off) Here comes the missus 
— I must make myself scarce agin ! (steps behind screen) 

Enter Clara, l. i e., in evident alami, followed by Milly. 

Clara. I do believe that cabman has gone stark staring 
raving mad. 

Milly. Why, what's the matter now, m'am ? 

(Capsize gets on chair, peeps over screen, and unseen by 
Clara, listens to what is going on) 

Clara, (in great excitement) After driving me at break-neck 
speed through the streets, jolting against every conveyance we 
met, and alarming the foot passengers by his reckless behavior, 
a terrific crash suddenly ensues — we had come in contact with 
an enormous wagon ! 

Cap. (aside — his head peeping over screen) Eh ? 

Milly. (clasping her hands) Oh, gracious ! 

Clara. (continui?ig) The police hasten up, and the cabman 
and the four-wheeler are hurried off to the station house, horse 
and all ! 

Cap. (who has been listening with breathless interest, 
throws down screen with loud crash, jumps off chair, and 
rushes violently forward, exclaiming) To the station house ! 

Clara(.y creaming) A-a-a-ah ! Why, there he is ! 

Cap. (excited) Did you say Bobby was took to the station 
house. 



FOUND IN A FOUR-WHEELER. 19 

Clara, {bewildered) Incomprehensible being ! Why, I left you 
not five minutes ago struggling in the hands of the police. 
[alarmed) But my husband is in his study — I will insist upon his 
interfering. 

Cap. Your husband ! {vexed) If my Bobby's gone to the sta- 
tion house, it strikes me your husband's gone along with him ! 

Clara, {bewildered) What does the fellow mean ? {alarmed) 
Tell me, tell me, where is my husband ? 

Cap. Veil, mum, if all you say is correct, he's what they call — 
in choker ! {imitating turning of key in lock) 

Clara, {overcome — aside) My husband in prison ! Oh, where, 
where ! I will fly to him instantly. (approachi?ig door) 

Cap. {stepping between Clara and door) No, you don't; the 
guv'nor wouldn't approve on it. 

Clara, (indignantly) What means this insolence ? {calling 
loudly) 'Here, Milly ! 

Cap. {majestically) Milly, just hockipy yourself with 'ouse- 
hold dooties for a moment. I must have another private hin- 
terview with the missus ! 

Clara. (veheme7itly) Milly, obey your mistress ! 

Cap. Milly, obey your Joseph ! 

Milly, Please, mum, if you've no objection, (slily playing 
with her apron) I'll obey my Joseph, (aside — going) One can 
always get a place, but one can't always get a husband, so I 
obeys my Joseph ! Exit, L. 

Clara, {rubbing her eyes) Am I really awake, or am I walking 
in my sleep ? (contemplating Capsize) How is it I find you here 
enveloped in my husband's garments ? 

Cap. (knowingly) For the same reason that your husband was 
a-driving my cab enweloped in my waterproof! 

Clara, (struck by a sudden idea) Ah, I see it all. He evi- 
dently suspects 

Cap. (knowingly) I should rayther think he did. And when 
he comes back — (impressively) Now, mind, I don't wish to 
cause you no unnecessary uneasiness, but you've heard o' Blue- 
beard ? (passes his hand across his throat) Cr-r-r-k. (ties an 
imaginary knot under left ear, in grotesque imitation of hang- 
ing) Cou — ic ! That's what's in store for you, I can tell you ! 

Clara, (alarmed — half crying) Oh, this is too much ! I'll leave 
the house — I'll take refuge at my uncle's, (abruptly) Here, take 
this purse, (Producing purse) and let me go ! 

Cap. (starts, astounded) A purse ! 

Clara, (placing herself at writing-desk and writing hur- 
riedly) I will just write a few lines to my husband and quit this 
place forever. 

Cap. (examining purse) A five-pun' flimsy ! it is, by Jingo ! 
(completely altering his manner) Oh, this bangs the guv'nor all 



2o CABMAN NUMBER 93; OR, 

to shivers ! I'm all for the ladies agin. I'm sorry for the guv'- 
nor, but why didn't he give me more ? {crossing to door, L. 1 e.) 
Here you are, missus ! There ain't no resisting lovely woman. 
Mum's my maxim, and a drop o' the right sort's my sentiments — 
so step it at vunce, vile I looks the t'other way. 

Clara, {who has meanwhile hastily written and folded up 
letter) Give this to my husband when he returns — tell him that 
all is over between us — that I leave his house forever. 

Cap. I'll tell him, ma'm. {aside) It will just about suit the 
guv'nor's book, I fancy. 

Milly. {at window) Oh, please, mum, here's master come back 
again ! 

Clara, {hurriedly) Ah ! he must not find me here. 

Milly. Quick, ma'm, down the back garden, and through the 
little gate — I'll come and open it for you ! 

Clara, {at door) That my husband should have dared to sus- 
pect me ! Oh, 'tis horrible — atrocious ! Exit, L. 2 E. 

Cap. {hastily stopping Milly as she is about to follow her 
mistress) Gammon* her to leave you summat ! 

Milly. {eagerly) Her welwet mantilla and last new bonnet ! 

Cap. {hastily) Ah ! and a pair or two of kid boots, with mil- 
itary heels. 

Milly. {hastily) All right — leave it to me ! 

Exit after Clara, l. 2 E. 

Cap. {rubbing his hands, and singing) Tol-di-rol-de-rid- 
dle-rol ! Things continues on the rise — I'm on the high road to 
fortin ! {looking round) Veil, vere's the guv'nor ! {looking out of 
window) Halloa ! why, there's Bobby, four-vheeler, and all ; vy, 
the poor animal's all of a lather ! 

Enter Holloway, rushing in, in a state of terrific excitement, 
wearing Capsize's coat, wide-awake, &^c, L. 1 E. 

Holloway. {wildly — whip in hand) I'm out on bail ! the mis- 
creants arrested me for furious driving ! 

Cap. {eagerly) But vot have yer diskivered ? 

Hollow. Listen ! profiting by the confusion, my wife escaped, 
but the moment I had burst my bonds, at it I went again — I 
drove frantically to the ornamental villa ! 

Cap. {suggestively) In the Sviss style o' harchitectur. 

'Hollow, (impatiently) Never mind the style of architecture. 
{continuing) I found nobody there but a deaf old charwoman. I 
enter the parlor — what should I perceive but this identical 
smoking cap on the table, {producing cap from pocket) with 
this note addressed to Mrs. Clara Holloway ! {reading) " Since 
I wrote this morning, I have been suddenly summoned to the 
country, but all is now ready ; accept my offering as a slight 
token of the sincere affection I have ever felt for you." {speaking 




FO UND IN A FO UR- WHEELER. 2 1 

bitterly) That's pleasant, isn't it ? {reading) " Many thanks for 
the smoking cap — it isn't quite big enough — oblige me by letting 
it out a little." {mechanically putting on smoking cap, and 
flatte?iing it down on his head) Now, what clo you say to 
that ? 

Cap. (mechanically takingup wide-awake which Holloway 
has laid on table, and puttitig it on in imitation of Holloway) 
Say, vy I say it's haddin' insult to hinjury. (aside) It's as well to 
keep the pot bilin'. (aloud, mysteriously) But, I say, governor, 
I've been at vurk for you ! 

Hollow, (eagerly) You have — ha, ha ! Say on — my trusty 
charioteer, say on ! 

Cap. (slily holding out his hand) Mum's my maxim, and a 
drop o' the right sort's my sentiments ! 

Hollow, (alarmed) Mysterious individual, what do you want 
now ? 

Cap. (facetiously twiddling his fingers) A hall himportant 
revelation is a-coming ! (imitating mountebank balancing pole) 
Vun halfpenny more, and hup goes the hanimal ! 

Hollow, (alarmed) The fellow's a positive vampire ! (im- 
ploringly) Do you, peradventure, require my boots — my necktie 
— my india-rubber braces ! 

Cap. No! my hexpectations is moderate ! {with extreme play- 
fulness) I vants a vatch ! 

Hollow, (starting indignantly) You vants a vatch ! 

Cap. (holding out his hand) I rekvires a ticker — hand over 
your chronometer, and I'll tell you summut as vill make yer spin 
round and round with joy and satisfaction ! 

Hollow, (aside — surprised — convinced) He must have made 
some most important discovery — this suspense is unendurable. 
(giving watch) There, take it, but tell me all — do you hear ? 
All! 

Cap. (aside — pocketing watch) That's the time o* day ! {mys- 
teriously) Veil, then, I've got rid of her for you ! 

Hollow, (starting) Got rid of whom ? 

Cap. (continuing mysteriously) The missus ! 

Hollow. Got rid of my wife ! 

Cap. (impressively) For good and all. She won't never come 
back no more. Here's a letter she left for you. I dare say it's 
her vill. 

Hollow, (snatching letter — reading hastily) " Sir, all is over 
between us. You have mortally offended me." (laughing bitterly) 
Ha ! ha ! /ve offended her. Come, that's a good joke, that is. 
(reading) " But before leaving I owe you a full explanation. My 
uncle Tomkins" — (speaking surprised) Eh! didn't know she 
had an uncle Tomkins — (reading) " has returned from India with 
a large fortune. Desirous of making you at once a handsome 



22 CABMAN NUMBER gjy OB, 

present and an agreeable surprise he lately purchased at St. John's- 
wood an ornamental villa." 

Cap. {interrupting) In the Sviss style of architecture. 

Hollow, {roaring) The devil take the style of architecture. 
{overcome) Then it was only an uncle ! Good gracious ! then I 
have been and gone and done it. {falls into arm-chair) 

Cap. {altering manner) You have, and no mistake ! 1 wouldn't 
be in your shoes for a trifle, {aside) The gray mare will vin 
the race, I can see ! 

Hollow, (imploringly) But how was J to know it was an 
uncle ? 

Cap. (majestically) Yer ought to ha' guessed it ! 

Hollow, (suddenly recollecting) But where's my wife ? my 
innocent, much-wronged Clara ? 

Cap. (pathetically) Clara's gone. Clara won't never come back 
no more, (throwing himself comfortably into chair) It ain't to 
be expected ! 

Hollow, (roaring wildly) Wretch ! what have you done with 
her ? 

Cap. Halloa ! (springs bolt off chair in alarm) 

Hollow, (continuing bitterly) Ah ! it serves me right for ever 
making a confident of a low-born stableman ! 

Cap. (indignantly) Stableman ! Now don't get calling names, 
you know. 

Hollow, (frantic) Give me back my money ! Restore me my 
watch ! 

Cap. Not if I knows it. (with tremendous dignity) It serves 
yer right for suspecting a hinnocent, hunoffending female. 

Hollow, (wildly) Ha, ha ! taunted by the very instrument of 
my barbarity ! Scoundrel! take that ! {fitches into Capsize with 
whip) 

Cap. {running away) Holloa ! (shouting) Here, I say. He's 
a-bilin' over again — murder ! 

Enter Milly, running, L. 2 E. 

Milly. (rushing wildly between them) Oh, sir, spare my 
husband what is to be ! 

Hollow, (furious) Spare him ! Never ! Revenge ! Ha ! ha ! 
(rushes after CAPSIZE ; in so doing runs against arm-chair, 
which falls over ; Capsize runs round table shouting 
" Murder! " hotly pursued by Holloway, roaring) Revenge ! 
revenge ! Ha ! ha ! 

Milly. (wildly) Oh ! gracious goodness ! he's a man-slaughter- 
in' o' my Joseph ! (screams) A — a — a — ah ! 

Cap. (rushing to Milly and taking shelter behind her) Here, 
Milly, keep him off, will yer ; he's out of his mind. 

Hollow, (brandishing whip aud roaring) Where's my wife ? 



FOUND IN A FOUR-WHEELER. 23 

Enter, during last words, Clara, l. 2 e. 

Hollow, {suddenly perceiving her) Why, there she is ! 
throws away %uhip j in crossing to Clara he runs violently 
against table, which upsets with all the breakfast things — 
loud crash) 

Cap. {shouting) There goes the s'perior mokey ! 

Hollow, {throws himself on his knees before Clara) Pity — 
pardon — excuse — forgive ! It was all a mistake ! 

Clara, {scarcely able to refrain from laughing) It's lucky for 
you, sir, the garden gate was locked ! 

Hollow. Locked ! {aside) True ; I've got the key in my 
pocket. 

Clara, {continuing) Had it not been for this fortunate imped- 
iment I should have been already far hence. As it is, sir, con- 
cealed behind yonder door, I have been an unseen spectator of 
your repentance. Rise, sir ; I forgive you ! 

Hollow, {half blubbering) But why didn't you tell me it was 
an uncle t 

Clara. Because at the time of our marriage my uncle had 
been compelled by a series of mercantile disasters to leave the 
country 

Cap. {interrupting illustratively) Vot they calls, "under a 
cloud ! " 

Clara, {continuing) But a brilliantly successful speculation 
has restored him to his original position in society, and his pres- 
entation of the villa, and introduction to yourself, were to have 
taken place on one and the same auspicious occasion ! 

Hollow, {angrily) Ass that I am ! I've been mixing up fact 
and fiction, romance and reality ! I'll give up the " sensational " 
and stick to Martin Tupper ! 

Cap, {patronizingly , to Clara) But it's all right ; he won't 
never do it no more. 7'11 be responsible for him. 

Hollow. You {suddenly remembering) perhaps you'll return 

me my property — {they exchange coats again — each putting on 
his own). 

Clara. Nay let him keep the watch — you deserve to forfeit 
something, sir, for suspecting your affectionate wife, {taking her 
husband's arm) To morrow we'll call on Uncle Tomkins, with 
the smoking cap. 

Milly. {slily) Please, mum, does it stand good about the 
welwet mantilla and other harticles ? 

Clara. Of course, (laughing) This happy reconciliation must 
not prejudice the promise I made you. 

Cap. {to Milly) Then all's veil that ends veil ! I've drove 'em 
right after all ! (to Milly) I'll vistle a popular air outside the 
area gate this evening ;— and, I say, ladies and gentl'men, {to 



24 



CABMAN NUMBER gj. 



audience) if ever you vants a fast vun 'oss wehicle, ekal to a 
bruffem (brougham), vith a confidential driver, vot never says 
nothink to nobody, and always refuses anythink over his fare, 
vy, don't forget Joe Capsize, No. 93. [playfully) You'll give us a 
turn, now and then ? I'll take you safe, sound, and satisfactory, 
and shall alvays " set you down " as the most wallyable harticles 
Joe Capsize ever '* found " in his " Four-wheeler ! " 



Cap. 



Hollow. 



Milly. 



Clara. 



CURTAIN. 




NEW ENTERTAINMENTS. 

THE JAPANESE WEDDING. 

A costume pantomime representation of the Wedding Ceremony in Japanese high life, 
The company consists of the bride and groom, their parents, six bridesmaids, and 
the officiating personage appropriately called the " Go-between." There are 
various formalities, including salaams, tea-drinking, eating rice-cakes, and giving 
presents. No words are spoken. The ceremony (which occupies about 50 
minutes), with the " tea-room," fills out an evening well, though music and other 
attractions may be added. Can be represented by young ladies alone, if preferred. 
Price, 25 Cents. 

AN EVENING WITH PICKWICK. 

A Literary and Dramatic Dickens Entertainment. — Introduces the Pickwick Club, 
the Wardles of Dingley Dell, the Fat Boy, Alfred Jingle, Mrs. Leo Hunter, Lord 
Mutanhed and Count Smorltork, Arabella Allen and Bob Allen, Bob Sawj'er, Mrs. 
and Master Bardell, Mrs. Cluppins, Mrs. Weller, Stiggins, Tony Weller, Sam 
Weller, and the Lady Traveller. Price, 25 cenfs. 

AN EVENING WITH COPPERFIELD. 

A Literary and Dramatic Dickens Entertainment. — Introduces Mrs. Copperfield, 
Davie, the Peggotys, the Murdstones, Mrs. Gummidge, Little Em'ly, Barkis, 
Betsey Trotwood, Mr. Dick and his kite, Steerforth, the Creakles, Traddles, 
Rosa Dartle, Miss Mowcher, Uriah Heep and his Mother, the Micawbers, Dora 
and Gyp, and the wooden-legged Gatekeeper. Price, 25 cents. 
These " Evenings with Dickens " can be represented in whole or in part, require 
but little memorizing, do not demand experienced actors, are not troublesome to pre- 
pare, and are suitable for performance either on the platform or in the drawing room. 

THE GYPSIES' FESTIVAL. 

A Musical Entertainment for Young People. Introduces the Gypsy Queen, Fortune 
Teller, Yankee Peddler, and a Chorus of Gypsies, of any desired number. The 
scene is supposed to be a Gypsy Camp. The costumes are very pretty, but 
simple ; the dialogue bright ; the music easy and tuneful ; and the drill movements 
and calisthenics are graceful. Few properties and no set scenery required, so 
that the entertainment can be represented on any platform. Price, 25 cents. 

THE COURT OF KING CHRISTMAS. 

A CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENT. The action takes place in Santa Claus 
land on Christmas eve, and represents the bustling preparations of St. Nick and 
his attendant worthies for the gratification of all children the next day. The cast 
may include as many as 36 characters, though fewer will answer, and the enter- 
tainment represented on a platform, without troublesome properties. The cos- 
tumes are simple, the incidental music and drill movements graceful and easily 
managed, the dialogue uncommonly good, and the whole thing quite above the 
average. A representation of this entertainment will cause the young folks, from 
Six to sixty, fairly to turn themselves inside out with delight, and, at the same 
time, enforce the important moral of Peace and Good Will. Price, 25 cents. 
RECENTLY PUBLISHED. 

ILLUSTRATED TABLEAUX FOR AMATEURS. A new series of Tableaux 
Vivants. by Maftha C. Weld. In this series each description is accompanied 
with a full-page illustration of the scene to be represented. 
PART I. — MISCELLANEOUS TABLEAUX.— Contains General Introduction, 

12 Tableaux and 14 Illustrations. Price, 25 Cents. 
PART II.— MISCELLANEOUS TABLEAUX.— Contains Introduction, 12 Ta- 
bleaux and 12 illustrations. Price, 25 Cents. 

SAVED FROM THE WRECK. A drama in three acts. E^ght male, three 
female characters. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. 

BETWEEN TWO FIRES. A comedy-drama in three acts. Eight male, three 
female chancters. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. 

BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. A drama in five acts. Nine male, three female 
character-;. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. 

A LESSON IN ELEGANCE. A comedy in one act. Four female characters. 
Time, thirty minutes. Price, 15 Cents. 

WANTED, A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. A farce in one act. Six male 
characters. Time, thirty minutes. Price, 15 Cents. 

SECOND SIGHT. A farcical comedy in one act. Four male, one female charac- 
ter. Time, one hour. Price, 15 Cents. 

THE TRIPLE WEDDING. A drama in three acts. Four male, four female 
characters. Time, one hour and a quarter. Price, 15 cents. 
^WAny of the above will be sent by mail, postpaid, to any address, on receipt 

of the annexed prices. „^Fl 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 9 Murray St., New York. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



HELMER'S 

ACTOR'S MAKE-UP raVS&'oa'il 

jL Practical and Systematic Guide to the Art cf Making up jfjr the Stage. 




PRICE, 25 CENTS. 



With exhaustive treatment on the Use of Theatrical 
Wigs and Beards, The Make-up and its requisite materials, the 
different features and their management, typical character 
Masks, etc. With Special Hints to Ladies. Designed for the 
use of Actors and Amateurs, and for both Ladies and Gentle- 
men. Copiously Illustrated. 

CONTENTS. 

I. Theatrical Wigs. — The Style and Form of Theatrical Wigs 
and Beards. The Color and Shading of Theatrical Wigs and Beards. 
Directions for Measuring the Head. To put on a Wig properly. 

II. Theatrical Beards. — How to fashion a Beard out of crepe 
hair. How to, make Beards of Wool. The growth of Beard simu- 
lated. 

III. The Make-up. — A successful Character Mask, and how to 
make it. Perspiration during performance, how removed. 

IV. The Make-up Box. — Grease Paints. Grease paintL in 
sticks; Flesh Cream; Face Powder; How to use face powder as a 
liquid cream ; The various shades of face powder. Water Cos- 
inetique. Nose Putty. Court Plaster. Cocoa Butter. Cr&pe Hair 
ard Prepared Wool. Grenadine. Dorin's Rouge. "Old Man's'' 
Rouge. /'Juvenile" Rouge. Spirit Gum. Email Noir. Bear's 
Grease. Eyebrow Pencils. Artist's Stomps. Powder Puffs. Hares' 
Feet. Camels'-hair Brushes. 

V. The Features and their Treatment. — The Eyes: blind- 
ness. The Eyelids. The Eyebrows : How to paint out an eyebrow or 
moustache ; IIoW to paste on eyebrows ; How to regulate bushy eye- 
brows. The Eyelashes : To alter the appearance of the eyes. The 
Ears. The Nose : A Roman nose; How to use the nose putty ; A 
pug nose ; An African nose ; a large nose apparently reduced in size. 
The Mouth and Lips : a juvenile mouth ; an old mouth ; a sensuous 
mouth; a satirical mouth; a one-sided mouth; a merry mouth ; A 
sullen mouth. The Teeth. The Neck, Arms, Hands and Finger- 
nails : Fingernails lengthened. Wrinkles: Friendliness and Sullen- 
ness indicated by wrinkles. Shading. A Starving character. A 
Cut in the Face. A Thin Face Made Fleshy. 

VI. Typical Character Masks. — The Make-up for Youth : 
Dimpled cheeks. Manhood. Middle Age. Making up as a Drunk- 
nrd : One method ; another method. Old Age. Negroes. Moors. 
Chinese. King Lear, Shylock, Macbeth. Richelieu. Statuary. 
Clowns. 

VII. Special Hints to Ladies. — The Make-up. Theatrical 
Wig3 and Hair Goods. 

Sent by mail, pp&tpatd, to any address, on receipt of the price. 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 

v 9 Murray Street, New York. 



